https://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-ashlee-greer/stop-letting-other-peoples-opinions-control-you_b_9587330.html

pretty important links

https://thoughtcatalog.com/juliet-lanka/2018/04/these-30-mistakes-are-accidentally-making-you-come-across-as-socially-awkward/?utm_source=quora

One for normal behaviour^

https://www.independent.co.uk/voices/ways-to-help-with-anxiety-science-medication-study-a8310406.html?utm_source=quora

Easiest way to beat anxiety^

Everyone’s fiji water and so are you

A habit I need to develop everyday is to stop putting people on a pedestal but also not burying them deep.
I’ve found that when I am in a fun mood and less careful and less anxious around people (cause why should I right) I don’t try to be. Like I don’t try being compliant obedient blah. People feel normal this way cause everyone’s like that.
Plus I need my holidays to be more productive. Lemme update you with all new things I did everyday. I hope I do.

Having more fun and not taking life so seriously

Heyy. So its only some days into my vacation and I feel uh may zayn.
The overthinking about friends and all is at its complete low andI'm still feeling good and aspire to be this way throughouttt uh.
So today's day mark's some ass's birthday, buttt not that I care. I mean I totally could rationalize the situation: Like before I was all like you know he's good friends with so many people and they love him and all and I was ALMOST gonna text him but thanks to Guj I stopped and I was like of course im not gonna do something so stupid cause he never wished me too.
Details lol.
Also me ans my virtual best friend are back to normal.
And how I rationalised this? i mean of COURSE I haven't like been his real life friend for long. Mostly virtual and very little real life.
But since he got pretty close to me and real (in an emotional sense of course) I REALLY know the guy is full of shit.
And he's good at being pretentious so that works for everyone. Not that he's that bad, It's good that he and I shared some good moments and it was pretty cool and all but he's not worth it.
But you know, he undermined me and all, so.

Here's some good potential links helping me out:
https://www.bolde.com/lighten-stop-taking-everything-seriously/
https://medium.com/darius-foroux/i-have-15-ideas-to-change-your-life-do-you-have-5-minutes-f84c3f99b3c5
https://www.wikihow.com/Have-Fun-All-the-Time

Also this one's for being too nice:
https://tinybuddha.com/blog/are-you-too-nice-how-to-be-kind-and-be-good-to-yourself/

I recently got... that's right a set of COPICSSSSSS. IM SO HAPPYYYY.
So I tested it out:

Happiness

All I can say for now, I feel amazing. After all of those blog posts about my cramming and changes, I knew it was all for good. And here I am, having made progress. I feel great. :D

I can now be normal in social situations. It doesn't scare me as much and I definitely do not feel like running away. I feel more close to me if that makes sense.
It's been 2 days since my exam has been over so its good, and also well, my birthday.

Well here's a description of my birthday: Got a call from Vanshika around 11:40 and then we decided she'd call me at 12:00 so that we could study. But of course we were texting each other about how it would have been better if we'd been talking cause we weren't studying anyways.

She seems kinda flawless. It was great talking to her. And my birthday wasn't like I was expecting. I mean, Iw asn't really expecting ANYTHING. hahah. But it was SOOO good.
Then I was getting so many calls; One from Pavanta too, I think around 12- Then Roshni and Mansi's call got missed cause I was talking to others.

And the day was pretty cool. Except the fact that I had to study and it was my exam. But anyway the school part wasn't so happening or anything- although I got an amazing gift from Pavanta- oh so heartfelt- a toothpaste.

 At home I got a surprise from Pavanta, which was SO unexpected. I wasn't really putting in much effort in our friendship. I pretty much thought we don't sync that much. But it was just my less social motivation.
And we did have quite a lot of fun. She brought this birthday cap and some desserts and we watched 13 reasons why's first episode and she's got my book for now.
She's a keeper as a friend. I should make more effort.
           I went to Pablo's to meet Yukta. We'd been planning it for long. We had 2 fancy mocktails and we weren't there for long, 45 mins tops.

It was fun tho. I wore my black crop top and ripped jeans for my birthday. And I forgot to take off the tag again lmao.
Then I went to Mocha with my three usual people. Roshni did so much effort so that we'd have fun and I love her for that.
We ordered LOADSA stuff. There was this live singer and 'twas a fun night.

And all of these people tagged me in their posts and it was great.
-----------
Its day 2 of vacation and it was mainly supposed to be me, Mehak, Pavanta and Maitreyee to be meeting. First it was Bouffage, then to Mocha. Where we met Shriya, Sanskruti and Ishrita too.

So eventually we ended up sitting with them. It was some new experience and I'm proud to say i wasn't anxious at all.
I had some sips of this Cosmo drink cause like why not.
So all I need to do is to up my social game a bit. Then I'll feel much better.

Some cool tips which helped me through this: (Follow it judiciously)

Meditation/ Deep Breathing
Optimistic
Pushing through the social comfort at times
Comfort in own skin
Halt at overthinking
Past is over
Having social circle

Some pointers

In fact, the attentional bias towards threat/negativity is the core cognitive mechanism that underlies much of our anxiety.

For anxious people, the ingrained habit of selectively attending to only those things that are possibly dangerous leads to a vicious cycle in which an ambiguous world is seen and experienced as threatening(link is external)—even when it’s not.

My life has no meaning??????? Yes? No??? WTF

Okay, lets begin with the fact, I did not get into NIFT. NIFT i did not get into.
SOOOOOO, life is pretty not good because if I don't have that, I literally do not have anything else

There's MIT of course, which is my last option because it is a good college and it has the fees and everything but you know I might think that I might not even get into that college because the test has physics and maths and everything,
My NIFT was realllyyy good and the cut off was 50,40 and I got 50.10. (been telling everyone I got 50.30 tho)
So even if my paper went so good and that is my performance so probably I'm not really worth these design things. So I'm thinking even if I prepare for it I might not even get admission there. So i'm left with nothing
I so did not see things going this way so um it's not so cool. But I'm managing somehow.
Also called Saurabh Sir, he was pretty shocked to hear this bc he definitely thought I was gonna get in because of my drawing skill and everything.
But whatever you know, now I haven't gotten into it, so why think about it now.
All I gotta do now, is focus on MIT and everything
Last night I wasn't able to sleep because all of this kept revolving in my mind. I haven't done literally anything to make my parents proud.
Also think about the fees MIT has, its 5 lakhs per year. i don't want my Dad to be spending so much on me.
Also maybe I won't be also able to get into MIT. Life is kind of a mess rn?
And plus I have my psychology paper on 5th April.
Soooo I have to study for both simultaneously.

So this ranting is just a process of calming me down.
Speaking of that Mom gave me some kind of pill which makes you sleep at night. That does really work. And I felt very stress free today and I havent even cried or had that intense choking feeling in the throat.
Anyways somehow I connect everything with how I don't have strong social connections. I mean I did talk to Maithili for 45 minutes on the phone.
Pavanta called me when she got to know about this, and i gotta admit she is a REALLY good friend.
I feel bad for kind of not being able to put in some effort in our friendship because for me its kinda hard to maintain friendships because of my introversion. i mean cannot NOT talk a lot at times, I just can't.
I also saw a snap of you know who with his girl gang and that also kinda worsened my situation. It feels like maybe I'm socially isolated and I've badmouthed him a lot?
But everyone with me agrees what he did- not cool. So for everything happening, i will try to end it on a good note. No hate, despise, just, you know normalcy?
Of course it doesn't mean I would try to be friends or anything.
It's just, grudges are never cool, and so isn't hate and everything.
WHy waste your time for all this.

Why I feel like a maniac, cause I haven't been meeting people and social interaction and it takes time for me to adjust to such stuff. To get socially comfortable,
So I will be calling M and see if she is able to meet me up. She really really should.

Yes, a MAJOR THING which was revolving in my mind the entire night. One is that MIT is like LOADSA money. And my parents have to pay for such a huge sum. I mean they're obviously okay with it, but I don't want to burden them.

So, I have to put in MY ALLLLLL for NID. Because its not just for that money aspect, I think I can really ace the paper if I work hard for noe year. And atleast I won't regret that no I could not ace the paper because I didn't REALLY work hard the whole year.

Yes the snap thing mentioned above, really felt negative because you know I don't have a social strong anything right now, And I also overthink on it that I'm very sensitive and I can't really be able to connect with people. So it's pretty bad actually but hopefully I will get through because I believe in myself and I can really push myself to do it because it isn't that hard. I mean, cmon I can do it. No big deal, I will just keep pushing my limitd and try the best I can. Atleast I try to make things goos.
ALso I first read the book A Walk To Remember plus its movie too. Movie missin lots of book parts like the girl has blond hair in the book but is brunette and has green eyes or something in the movie.

So I should kinda stop and work on my life.

A bit of clarity

So I cried once again, I just wanna analyse why I reacted this way and what the situation was and why it really hurt and affected me and made me super pissed.

Mom said that she was hoping I would talk and talk yesterday and was giving me the opportunity to talk but I wasn't. And the other three always keep talking. Then she also kept saying that you should learn to keep talking all day and everyone likes someone who keeps talking a lot but am I supposed to start on my own like a loudspeaker and say random bullshit and dumb stuff?
I mean I know how THAT has turned out to be.

 I'd like to say that I like to get comfortable on my own pace and I can talk quite a lot with people wher eI enjoy their company and all. I mean those people just keep talking about themselves, complimenting themselves, always wanting to debate on every stupid topic.

And plus I was tired from all the studying and I DID say some things too.
But Mom kept saying that She was waiting for me to say something.

And that since the few years she's never heard me talk among them. And that next time I should keep talking continuously and she would directly ask me something.

So in this situation I just feel demoralised because I mean it's not my fault.
 everytime I do constantly try to talk so much and make so much efforts.

Now if I tell her anything about this she will get super pissed upon me and will say I can't even say a simple thing to you.
I can't even ignore her.
I think if I be more self confident in my speech she won't say so much stuff.

Crammed up

Heyyy.
I binged like 5 episodes of Awkward which is kinda not cool. Because emotional much+ I can't really afford to watch it?
(Jenna and Matty's love is so real I couldn't evenn.)

I have History in like 4 days. I was full on psyched to get like full marks in everything and be a topper, but haha. Because I feel like an utter failure.

Day before yesterday, came NID's result and as much as I knew I was not gonna get in (poor time management plus stressed and anxious like a bitch during the exam) I was so mad at myself because my rank was like 1632. NOT COOL. Plus, it was like my dream college. And even if I were close to the rank and couldn't get in, it would still be reassuring to know that my chances would be better next year cause I wanna get in the college REAL BAD.
also my marks were 57.5, 50 being my gk, which means my drawing got only like what 7.5. AND the cutoff was 69.5. UGHH,
Niharika and 3 people from my class got in. Lucky af.

But the thing is it really does depend on your luck, plus I'm going to college, prolly NIFT, so I really don't think I'll be able to keep up with NID.
But you know what they say, if you want something really bad and work for it honestly, you can ace it. SOOO I'll try my best.
I can completely remember how I couldn't really keep up with even my 12th studies let alone the designing prep, cause my mental health was killing me. I am in a better position now, hopefully but you know it's not even like a have a good social life.
Strong social connections are necessary for survival.
Anyway let's not push that too much.

What I've gathered is that I need to do the following things:
Read the paper everyday.
Being curious about like everything
sketching 10 sketches everyday
SOMEHOW, just increase your creativity

Anyway, it's my paper after somedays and I gotta give it the best. Wish me luck, hope I don't pass out to bed somehow.

Changes

I have a good skill of always waiting, pointing out on a mistake I might've made, or just sit there with  a fly net, waiting to catch the next negative thing on my way,
But its time for changes. Changes in the way I perceive myself, full with compassion for me, and believing in myself.
Treating myself as a best friend.

So the next best thing I should do is speed the negative process down and close it in a shutter.
The latest thing that struck me was that I was not as friendly to others and appeared as standoffish and rude when I don't intend to do that in reality. Talking about 8th grade-ish here.
I remembered that while talking to M on call today.
Anywayyyy,
Not that I care about what other people think. Okay zoop zoop, back to present, right.


Today I called Yukta, and ha a pretty long and funny chat, which is normal but you know I kinda felt that wow I really don't call anyone, and at school, I'm only like stuck to Pavanta, and there also during my off times I don' t connect with her blabla.
I just had to let that all out to clarify thoughts.
And I also called Khushmin.
So you know, it's a start. Not expecting much because like the 2 years are over and of course I can't fully blame the people for me being rude to them unknowingly. 
Also should NOT think that much lol.
Just saying. feel like I should talk more and REACH OUT to people, in order for them to reach out to me.


It will happen slowly. But the good side, I did talk to 3 people today, without stutters without lulls in conversation. So progressss.
Bad news didn't study hahah so gots to go. I'm a pretty awesome person. No brag.

Some Mental self help- Shame and embarrassment, Why?

Now this is one website which completely understands my situation:
http://shynesssocialanxiety.com

Everything in it is relatable, And I'll try to overcome it all.
Next thing, is the feeling of shame. Somewhere I read that a book called Daring Greatly really helps with it.
"People are too busy worrying about their own insecurities and embarrassing moments to keep track of yours." True story.

"It can be hard to shake that negative thinking, we social anxiety people tend to live in our past lives thinking about all of the mistakes that we did. In a way its addictive, thinking about the past, cuz it gives us something to do other than try to move ahead in life and make new experiences and over come these past mistakes. The only way to stop them is by forcing yourself to engage in as much social behavior as possible. This may seem scary, but it's the only way your going to overcome social anxiety, you need to practice socializing. Practice makes perfect. And whenever you start to think negative, stop yourself and instead think about the good things about you or things that you are happy about at the moment :) "
"It's completely understandable to fear judgment from other people. The problem is you've created a negative rut in your mind, which has been reinforced with years and years of constant practice, and now you need to create a new positive groove alongside it to replace it.

Imagine a dirt pathway with a deep rut along one side, and imagine driving your bike inside that rut every day. That's what you've been doing unknowingly for years, making it deeper and deeper.

The only way to change your situation is to create a new, positive mental groove on the other side of the pathway by focusing your thoughts on more pleasant scenarios, instead of letting your mind run amuck willy-nilly.

Here is exactly how to do that:

(1) The next time a shameful thought comes into your mind, recognize it for what it is and get a little excited because this is the perfect opportunity to make your new positive groove deeper.

(2) Take that exact thought, be it a memory, anxiety, or whatever - and re-imagine it in a more positive light. This does not have to be complete night-and-day from total humiliation to jumping for joy. Just see how you can dial the image from the original total dark gloom to a brighter and lighter scenario with your imagination. For example, maybe the original shame was being laughed at, and the brighter version is being empathized with or understood a little bit more.

(3) Hold the new re-imagined scenario in your mind for several seconds, and enjoy the relief it provides. Intend to have more scenarios like this in the future.

(4) The next time you are in a social situation where normally before you'd have extreme fear or shame, bring a relevant re-imagined thought to mind and say, "How might I incorporate some of this positive image into the current situation?"

Be very patient yet focused in this process. It's not about making it perfect the first time. You've spent YEARS diligently making the negative rut. It's going to take more than one try to make the new positive one.

(5) Think of how every day as you practice this diligently, you are driving your bike of your thoughts on your new positive rut. Whenever you're actively creating your positive groove, wind is blowing dirt into the old rut, making it slowly disappear. This is because your attention can only be focused in one direction or another, in one groove or another. (Scientifically, the old neural synapse connections are getting weaker from disuse.)

The key to making this work for you is diligent focus. Do NOT tolerate thoughts like, "What if I'll always be this way? What if something's wrong with me?" etc. That is nonsense.

Millions of people have created significant change by keeping their eye on the prize and creating new positive grooves for themselves; I have personally led dozens of clients through this exact exercise, and the ones that make the change successfully are the ones who are open and committed to the process, day after day.

It works and is much more fun than the alternative. Hope that helps!"

Study Mode not so on

It is March, I've had like little realisation that the year has gone off swiftly, like three months are done.
I'd like to talk about my depressed phase, and my mental condition which was getting really worse. Firstly, lemme just say I'm in a much better place now however i always feel like a big mental breakdown or sad phase is in it's way. It's like I'm enveloped in a sphere of anxiety of this whole situation. I'd not wanna elaborate more because of the fear of going back to that place again.
    Let's just say I was overthinking too much about not overthinking and what I'm not, what I should be and shiz.
Buutt, good news, my depressive phase, where it was the first time I felt like dying and not wanting to live, is over and I feel bliss. IM CALM.

What has changed me into feeling happy again:
Headspace regular Meditation. (That stuff, works.)
putting a stop on negative thought process. its a mind fucker.
 And you know, like really just rationalizing things.
also some credit to my psychologist therapy sessions.
and SMILINGGGGG

Kind of being me again. I feel natural, and I feel that the original me is back. it's a really good feeling :)
Anyway it's history, on 20th so gotta study my ass off.
Unleashing my humour on Twitter plus the other social media is my human interaction currently. No, there's nothing bad in it, or it doesn't mean I'm a bad person unworthy of friendship, cause I gotta study.
whew. lets not go deep into that, 'right.
Also what's really funny is that Bitch (my ex) (juvenile, but can't help with the despise) actually posted Photos of Asian girls 7 days in A ROW, so that I'd notice them. I mean, reeking of desperation much. lmaoooo. but i actually tapped on the latest one by mistake, which means his ego is satisfied.
Pretty much all of his captions included "Asian girls are the girls I want" "There is no one in this world like this girl, love HER (look Khushi, I'm hopelessly in love with girls I've never met and hope I look like I've forgotten you and you don't mean anything to me.)
But he hasn't posted any after the one I saw.
Anyway, nice try, bitch.

Issss ma birthdayyyy in less than a month. BUTTTT im tryna be chill, not excited or anything. like zero expectations, because hell noooo i dont wanna fuc it up.
Muskan, she's celebrating on the next day (her birthday, originally on 6th march)
She asked me for a combined party, but hell no. Cause i really don't wanna be felt like I'm given less attention, on my own goddamn birthday.
It's gon be with people I love, like Maithili.

So currently planning a lowkey one, probs with M. and maybe Vanshika, Ritika and *gag* Sakshi may come. And prolly some nice dinner at Mocha with Roshni and Chotu.
I mean they do annoy me a lot, but we're blood and we have fun and somehow i do love them.

There's no way in hell i'm celebrating it at Lotus Grand, the staple family gathering hotel cause it's my aunt's. I mean I know how 16th went like there.

Also I really don't wanna age. 17 seems like old to me. which isn't. stilll.
wasted about half an hour on this, so gotta study even if my mode ain't on.

Pilot

SO after some debating I'm finally going to give a try on this virtual diary thingie. Might get time to get used to it, always write on paper. This seems a bit weird. Since its pretty easy to delete from here when the future me finds it cringeworthy. But whatever, less of self loathing, all of self loving. Its easier here to type out everything quickly. So, gonna pour out all of my feelings out here. Feels good to read and remember all old parts of your mind in the future.

 I also wanna improve my writing skills and make good use of them. I wanna hone all of my skills and become successful. But easier said than done. There's also acting and imitation and I make the best of memes. Still kinda unsure on how to start as an entertainer. Making videos is a huge step of dedication and hardwork of good quality work. also dealing with criticism.

But I do wanna prove all the people who have come and gone in my life, that I'm capable of a lot of stuff, I'm not simply who they think I am. And a good kind of retribution for me. Ive felt a majority of time that people dont like me for who I am since I couldnt express myself.
However there's lot of n egative thinking process involved in that part, which can be worked upon. Which I am. No more depression for me too ^^

I find it really irritating that my ex consumes my mind. I may not be thinking about him any time the whole day, but it's like he's just there. Still there. Sitting at the back of my mind. Kinda beaming with pride of how he still kinda got some control over me.
The bad part is that it was all virtual. But the things which he led me on to, of him wanting to meet me, deciding places, me picturing things going a certain way when we finally meet. How would we be like.
I ignored all his stupid signs when I met him before.
I kinda should've considered of REALLY knowing the person. I mean, the deep chats we used to have, as if we both were split images of each other, relating too much to each other, it all made me trust him so much.
Also his reputation was pretty cool. I mean hanging out with some cool girls of my old school.
There was no room left for doubt.
It was wayyyy long till when his sweet, perfect guy illusion in my mind shattered.
I always overlooked through it all. Man, this infatuation shit really makes you kinda blind to the other person, even if he got shit personality

The guy was manipulative af, blamed everything on me, had typical Mr. Right douche moves, and always had a fake show of being the perfect guy. I despise him so much rn but im just wasting my energy on a guy who doesnt even deserve to occupy so much of my mind.

He really does match to all of these points in this link:
https://www.heysigmund.com/toxic-people/

I do not want a fatass pimply guy. Who is SHIT from inside too. I mean I never consider looks ever. Like the real connection felt from inside with another person itself is attractive AF.

The guy controlling everything above, Pls throw a Giorgio Armani Model in front of me. Who's the same inside as outside.
Fictional characters really mess up things cause theyre so friggin perf.
MATTY MCKIBBEN, JUGHEAD JONES, AIDEN PARKER, AUGUSTUS, USUI EFFING TAKUMI, NOAH CALHOUN, CHANDLER BING, JACK DAWSON, CHARLIE (perks), CHUCK BASS NATE ARCHIBALD ughhhhhh.
BRB, history 12th boards test prep.